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Brian Cowen was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
> classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
> their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cowen if he would like to lead the
> discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
>
> So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
> A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
> farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
> that would be a 'tragedy.'
>
> No, said Brian - that would be an accident.'
>
> A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
> drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
> I'm afraid not, explained Brian - that's what we would call great loss
>
> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Brian searched the
> room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
> tragedy?'
>
> Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
> In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mr. Lenihan was
> struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
> be a tragedy.'
>
> 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brian. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
> that would be tragedy?'
>
> 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
> wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident
WHY I AM DEPRESSED...........
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 30 years ago, when Charlie Haughey increased welfare he said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now Brian Cowan has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about, the Budget, Health Care Plans, The Economy, The Wars, Lost Jobs, Savings Plans, Food Quality, Social Welfare Cuts, Retirement Funds, Pension Levies, Property Tax, Water Charges, College Fees, Eco/Carbon Tax, Enviro Tax, IHT, Smart Meters, Delivery Charges, TV licenses, Insurance Policy levies, The Third Budget in Three Years, The Banks, Property Developers etc. . .
I called the Samaritans
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck..........................
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.
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Think before you speak...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget..
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's willy last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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T o all Employees:
>
>
> Effective January 2011
>
>
> Dress Code
> 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
> 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
> 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>
> Sick Days
> We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
> If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> Holiday Days
> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
>
> Compassionate Leave
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
> In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
>
> Toilet Use
> 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
> 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
> 3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
> 4 Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
>
> Lunch Break
> 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
> 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
> 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
> Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
> Management
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